Here I am, 38 weeks pregnant and wanting so desperately to not be pregnant anymore.
I love being pregnant, I really do.
I adore almost every moment of it: The expanding belly, the kicks and pushes, the little hiccups, the cravings, the love from my hubby and sweet boys.
Regardless of all these amazing moments, I want this baby out. I want him out so badly that I have actually been trying to force labor this time around. I have tried eating a super spicy bowl of green chili stew several times, minor contractions then nothing. I've walked quite a bit, minor contractions and horrible lower back pain then nothing. I have tried pumping which I have heard from a few people works... not for me. Tried a few times, minor contractions then nothing. Lastly, Phillip and I tried what got us into this baby mess in the first place ;) and of course minor (but stronger) contractions, then nothing.
I want this baby out for selfish reasons. My body is hurting horribly, I have backpain that I have never felt before and sometimes it makes me want to cry. I am tired all the time. This isn't great when you already have 2 boys and the days are beautiful. They want to play outside and I just want to lay in bed or on the couch. I'm cranky and taking it out on my husband and little men. No fun. I want to lose this baby weight already!
This morning, I woke up frustrated. I didn't want my husband to go to work. I wanted the both of us to be heading to the hospital, ready to go thru this bittersweet experience one last time. Then it hit me... this is the last time. The last time for so many things.
The last time... that we will be a family of 4.
The last time... Gage will be the baby.
The last time... I will be pregnant.
The last time... I will experience labor and snuggling a newborn.
The last time... that I will feel these kicks and pushes.
The last time... that my body will ever have 2 heartbeats inside it at one time.
The last time... my husband will kiss my belly to show love to a sweet child.
The last time... I can set Gage on top of my belly and not on my hip.
The last time... that Iden will snuggle on my belly for a pillow while watching tv.
The last time... that I will be able to sleep thru the night for a while!
The last time... that I will try to make something happen in my timing instead of God's time.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6
I am a worrier, I overthink everything, I long to have control of any and all situations, I want things to happen the way that I hope and dream them to. All of my reasons for wanting Knox to be born now point only to me. I am selfish. I need my baby to grow, to develop his organs, to be strong. I need to be thankful for these last moments that God is giving me with Phillip, Iden and Gage. I need to pray for the changes that are to come and how this new baby will affect our family. I just need to stop complaining and be thankful.
Today, friends, I hope you are able to put your stress, worries, anxious thoughts aside and remember that God has great plans for you. Too many times I want things to happen in my planning and timing.. but when I wait on the Lord it comes out so much sweeter and so perfect. To him be the glory.