6.21.13

I should be working on cookies right now. Orders. Cookies for special moments. Cookies that I've been looking forward to making! But my body hurts and the baby keeps waking up. It hurts my heart to say/write this but I need to take a break from cookies. I've let 2 people down and cancelled their orders because of my health or my kids and I am ashamed by that. I don't want that to be me. I want to have an amazing name for myself and what I make. Right now I physically cannot give 100% and I hate that. I need to figure out what is going on with my health. I need to keep these precious children and also my husband my top priority. 

I hope I'll be able to pick up the tips and icing again soon. For now it's in Gods hands. 

6.10.13

Feeling tired. The mundane is wearing me thin. I've read books and made plans and dug deep but can't shake my lack of motivation. I want to be more for my husband and more for my children. I keep saying once I finish this, once this is clean or organized, once the routines happen... Then I'll shake this feeling. Just not yet. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling helpless that I have friends hurting from problems greater than my own and I am unable to do anything for them.

Right now my baby just woke up and I can hear him babbling and laughing. Time for snuggles to lift my spirit. 

Iden: Your next Chapter

Oh, sweet love. Tomorrow is a big day for you and I don't think you really realize it. Kindergarten. And not the half day stuff that daddy and I did when we were kids... no, this is the big boy all day stuff.
You are taking a backpack and filling it with new things to learn and know. Things that I hope you'll be excited to run home and show me at the end of the day.
You are taking a lunch. I won't be there to hold your hand at lunch time and hear you thank God for your food and family. I won't be there to lecture you to focus on your food or tell you not to tilt your chair. But I would love to be a fly on the wall and watch you and hear what you and your friends have to talk about at lunch time. Star wars and super heros will probably be main topics.
You are making new friends. Flashbacks are flooding me of fears that I had of school. Then I met Jordy and we were able to take on the world in Kindergarten. So many memories came from that friendship that was made by the swings. I'm excited to hear your stories of your friendships. To see them grow. To have the sleep overs and playdates begin. I don't know how I will be able to keep up.
I am kind of saddened that when you get a scraped knee or elbow that I won't be the one that is there to clean you up and kiss away the hurt.

This is the start to great things, Iden.

You are amazing.

You are smart.

You are strong.

You are brave.

You are unique, wonderful and everything that God created you to be.

I am forever proud of you.

I love you, sweet child.

Father's Day 2012

All About My DAD

By: Iden Age: 5

My Daddy’s name is: Phillip

My Dad is 50 years old.

His hair is brown and his eyes are green.

My Dad’s favorite food is Burrito’s.

Daddy’s favorite color is red

because that’s my favorite color.

My Dad’s job is lights or scaffold’s.

He loves to eat at Chinese restaurants.

He’s smart because he knows math.

My Dad works hard at his job.

Daddy always tells me “I love you”.

I’m happy when Daddy helps me color and plays with me.

I love my Daddy because he works so hard at our house and at work.

Happy Father’s Day!

2012

Dear Gage,

Oh sweet boy. You are my little wild man. You are my adventurer. Fearless. Looking to always get off the couch in the hardest, most dangerous way possible. I love that God made you this way. You truly are one of a kind and all boy. The other day we went to a party at the park... you, little mister (not even a year and a half yet), were trying to keep up with big brother... who also was trying to keep up with the big boys. It fills my heart with so much joy to see you running through the grass trying to catch big brother... wanting the big boys to toss you the ball. Seeing you laugh and smile while you, little one, are the center of attention. Not too long later, you left the fun with the big boys. You found a spot in the sand to play by yourself. I hope that as you grow older you will always remember to find this time to rest and pray and be alone with God. I hope that despite the attention, the fun, the adventure, the spotlights... you will take a moment to rest and focus on your amazing creator who made you 'all boy'.

Today we had our first big moment of discipline. Breaks my heart thinking back and seeing your tears. Your little brother Knox was in the baby swing. You love your brother so very much. But, you also love this swing. It has become a favorite spot for you to sit with your blankie. You have pretty much claimed it yours.

While mommy and daddy were cleaning, you decided to pick up and move brother out of YOUR swing. Well, maybe you were trying to pick him up to hug him.. yeah, we'll go with that. Regardless, baby Knox ended up on the floor and you ended up in tears. Of course, Knox is fine. We gave him a little snuggle and he was back in the swing. You spent some time in timeout on the couch and were back to playing in no time. You are my little pleaser. You can't stand when we tell you 'no'. You burst into tears and the world comes to an end. Goodness I love you.

Love you to the moon and back!
Mama

Dear Knox

Dear Knox,

I've been writing alot of letters to you. The problem is that I never get to pen and paper or to the glow of the computer screen to write them down. These letters are all in my head. They are written throughout the day... when your brothers are loving on you, when you are sleeping, when you are crying, when I am snuggling you, when we lay down to nap, when I change you, when I bathe you, when I nurse you.

The letters are about so many things. Moments that I want to remember. Experiences that I hope you have. Prayers that I pray over you. But they all come down to how much I absolutely love and adore you. You aren't even 2 weeks old yet, but I am so proud to be your mama.

I love your blonde hair and what looks like eyes that will be a beautiful shade of blue. Did you know you got this from your grandpa's? I think that is amazing. I love your hands that already are full of strength. And your tiny feet. I pray that they will be the hands and feet of Jesus and that you will bless many.

I am so excited to watch you grow. To see you build a friendship with your brothers. To see you build a relationship with Jesus. To continue to hold and rock you. To sing to you. I am excited to be your mama. I love you so much sweet boy.

Love,
Your Mama

The last time

Here I am, 38 weeks pregnant and wanting so desperately to not be pregnant anymore.

I love being pregnant, I really do.

I adore almost every moment of it: The expanding belly, the kicks and pushes, the little hiccups, the cravings, the love from my hubby and sweet boys.

Regardless of all these amazing moments, I want this baby out. I want him out so badly that I have actually been trying to force labor this time around. I have tried eating a super spicy bowl of green chili stew several times, minor contractions then nothing. I've walked quite a bit, minor contractions and horrible lower back pain then nothing. I have tried pumping which I have heard from a few people works... not for me. Tried a few times, minor contractions then nothing. Lastly, Phillip and I tried what got us into this baby mess in the first place ;) and of course minor (but stronger) contractions, then nothing.

I want this baby out for selfish reasons. My body is hurting horribly, I have backpain that I have never felt before and sometimes it makes me want to cry. I am tired all the time. This isn't great when you already have 2 boys and the days are beautiful. They want to play outside and I just want to lay in bed or on the couch. I'm cranky and taking it out on my husband and little men. No fun. I want to lose this baby weight already!

This morning, I woke up frustrated. I didn't want my husband to go to work. I wanted the both of us to be heading to the hospital, ready to go thru this bittersweet experience one last time. Then it hit me... this is the last time. The last time for so many things.

The last time... that we will be a family of 4.

The last time... Gage will be the baby.

The last time... I will be pregnant.

The last time... I will experience labor and snuggling a newborn.

The last time... that I will feel these kicks and pushes.

The last time... that my body will ever have 2 heartbeats inside it at one time.

The last time... my husband will kiss my belly to show love to a sweet child.

The last time... I can set Gage on top of my belly and not on my hip.

The last time... that Iden will snuggle on my belly for a pillow while watching tv.

The last time... that I will be able to sleep thru the night for a while!

The last time... that I will try to make something happen in my timing instead of God's time.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

I am a worrier, I overthink everything, I long to have control of any and all situations, I want things to happen the way that I hope and dream them to. All of my reasons for wanting Knox to be born now point only to me. I am selfish. I need my baby to grow, to develop his organs, to be strong. I need to be thankful for these last moments that God is giving me with Phillip, Iden and Gage. I need to pray for the changes that are to come and how this new baby will affect our family. I just need to stop complaining and be thankful.

Today, friends, I hope you are able to put your stress, worries, anxious thoughts aside and remember that God has great plans for you. Too many times I want things to happen in my planning and timing.. but when I wait on the Lord it comes out so much sweeter and so perfect. To him be the glory.


Becky