The last time

Here I am, 38 weeks pregnant and wanting so desperately to not be pregnant anymore.

I love being pregnant, I really do.

I adore almost every moment of it: The expanding belly, the kicks and pushes, the little hiccups, the cravings, the love from my hubby and sweet boys.

Regardless of all these amazing moments, I want this baby out. I want him out so badly that I have actually been trying to force labor this time around. I have tried eating a super spicy bowl of green chili stew several times, minor contractions then nothing. I've walked quite a bit, minor contractions and horrible lower back pain then nothing. I have tried pumping which I have heard from a few people works... not for me. Tried a few times, minor contractions then nothing. Lastly, Phillip and I tried what got us into this baby mess in the first place ;) and of course minor (but stronger) contractions, then nothing.

I want this baby out for selfish reasons. My body is hurting horribly, I have backpain that I have never felt before and sometimes it makes me want to cry. I am tired all the time. This isn't great when you already have 2 boys and the days are beautiful. They want to play outside and I just want to lay in bed or on the couch. I'm cranky and taking it out on my husband and little men. No fun. I want to lose this baby weight already!

This morning, I woke up frustrated. I didn't want my husband to go to work. I wanted the both of us to be heading to the hospital, ready to go thru this bittersweet experience one last time. Then it hit me... this is the last time. The last time for so many things.

The last time... that we will be a family of 4.

The last time... Gage will be the baby.

The last time... I will be pregnant.

The last time... I will experience labor and snuggling a newborn.

The last time... that I will feel these kicks and pushes.

The last time... that my body will ever have 2 heartbeats inside it at one time.

The last time... my husband will kiss my belly to show love to a sweet child.

The last time... I can set Gage on top of my belly and not on my hip.

The last time... that Iden will snuggle on my belly for a pillow while watching tv.

The last time... that I will be able to sleep thru the night for a while!

The last time... that I will try to make something happen in my timing instead of God's time.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

I am a worrier, I overthink everything, I long to have control of any and all situations, I want things to happen the way that I hope and dream them to. All of my reasons for wanting Knox to be born now point only to me. I am selfish. I need my baby to grow, to develop his organs, to be strong. I need to be thankful for these last moments that God is giving me with Phillip, Iden and Gage. I need to pray for the changes that are to come and how this new baby will affect our family. I just need to stop complaining and be thankful.

Today, friends, I hope you are able to put your stress, worries, anxious thoughts aside and remember that God has great plans for you. Too many times I want things to happen in my planning and timing.. but when I wait on the Lord it comes out so much sweeter and so perfect. To him be the glory.


Becky

Baby #3 has a name... it is...

Phillip had a "Pamper Party" on Friday. So much fun! I love seeing my husband spend time and laugh with his friends. He has some pretty awesome friends. They blessed us with tons of diapers and wipes for our new little addition.
Towards the end of the party a few began asking questions about our little ones name... Phillip and I originally wanted to keep it quiet until his arrival. We did not want to hear other peoples views on it, hear how weird it is, how he would be made fun of... blah blah blah. But ultimately I'm not liking calling him "him", "he", or "baby". I want to say his name to our friends and family.
So they began guessing. The first clues were: 4 letters (because we have Iden and Gage we wanted to stick with that) and also that it is unique. The guesses started coming. Then I gave them another... It starts with a 'K'. So they began guessing Kody, Kale, Kyle, and some other very random names. It was fun. So we came to one more hint: the 'K' is silent. Many of them came very close! But one had the lightbulb idea to ask Iden what Baby brother's name will be and he of course blurted it out instantly. Don't trust a 5 year old with a secret! 
So here it is friends, Baby Boy #3 will be named:

Knox Michael Merritt

Becky 

Right Now...

There are toys covering the living room.
A high chair that needs to be cleaned.
Dishes that need to be taken out of the dishwasher.
Dishes that need to be put in the dishwasher.
Little shoes that need to be put away.

There are hiccups going on inside me.
Two sweet boys sleeping.
An old pup curled by my feet.
Books and blogs to read on my kindle.

Today I laughed with Iden over his silly joke that he remembered:
"Mom, why do chickens sit on their eggs?"
"I don't know Iden, why?"
"Because they don't have chairs!!"
I can still picture him laughing. His eyes get squinty and he tilts his head back.
Gage was sitting in the highchair trying to imitate Iden by making a silly face.
I am so in love with my children.

Today I didn't just carry Gage as we took Iden to class.
I let him walk. He grasped a few of my fingers in his tiny hand.
He held on to me so tight.
And he looked around. Curious as can be.
He watched for big brother.
He watched the little girl putting her stuffed puppy down the slide.
He watched the little boys chasing each other.
He was cautious.
He looked up at me and I smiled down at him.
He smiled back then took off toward the playset.
Iden was there with open arms to guide him and protect him.
I am so in love with my children.


At the end of today I was and am feeling like a failure. I yelled at Iden. My house is not as clean as I want it to be. Dinner did not come out the way I wanted it to. I'm up later than I want to be.

Before I laid Iden down to sleep I said, "Iden, I love you. Even tho I get mad and yell, I love you. There isn't anything that you could ever do that will ever make me stop loving you. Sometimes we have bad days, but we start over in the morning. I love you."
I could tell by looking in his eyes that he heard me. That he believes me. "I love you too mom". Music to my heart. God is so much greater than our bad days, our crummy days, our emotional/hormonal days. God, help me to put this day behind me and start fresh in the morning. Help me to be a better mommy and wife daily.

Starting Fresh...

Hello There! I have been gone from the blogging world for quite a while and finally decided that I would jump back in. There have been quite a bit of changes going on in the Merritt household and I feel like I'm finally able to catch my balance and breath with everything that has gone on. I'm excited to start blogging and updating everyone on our current and future adventures!

Let's start with my boys:
Iden - my handsome boy just turned 5! I can't even believe it. I told him that I would cry when he turns 5 so he then went and told everyone that I would be crying at his party. Come enjoy the party and cupcakes and my emotional mom crying! But yes, I did tear up while we sang Happy Birthday (very much like I did at his first birthday). He is amazing. He is showing that he will be a kind, compassionate boy. He's smart, witty, and funny. Full of energy and always wanting to please everyone. He loves his little brother with all of his heart and it shows in how he sings to him and plays with him. Please stop growing my sweet love!
Gage - our sweet little guy will already be one next month. Again, I can't believe it. He brings me and Phillip so much joy and is a wonderful child! We are truly blessed! Right now he has his two bottom front teeth with two top front teeth slowly coming in. Even through teething he is a champ and an overall happy child. He crawls like he is on a mission and is fast! He is taking more and more steps daily! I think that he tries to show off more when daddy is home. He is over eating baby food and just wants finger foods and to try what we are eating. He is curious and adventurous. He adores his big brother... follows him, watches him, laughs at him, looks for him, smiles for him. It is beyond anything I imagined to see brothers growing up together. Beautiful.

Baby bump?
God has blessed us with another munchkin on the way! We were not planning on more children for AT LEAST 5 years! But, God has other plans. I was surprised when I went to the doctor for other reasons to hear the words, "You're pregnant". Phillip is still getting over the shock! This baby has been completely different from the other two. I have been and continue to be horribly sick with morning sickness. I am absolutely exhausted. Haven't gained any weight thus far. My belly does seem different then it was with the boys. I am leaning more towards girl but trying not to get hopeful. In all honesty we would be happy with either a boy or a girl! If we have another boy then there may be adoption or one more try down the road. If it is a girl then we may just call it quits after her birth. We'll see, we find out December 12th so stay tuned! This sweet baby will be due May 2, 2012. I'm looking forward to having a baby during the spring time instead of fall/winter.

What else?
Phillip got a great new job! Praise God! He is in an electrician apprenticeship program (I'm so proud!). So far he is really enjoying it and learning so much. The hard part is that he has a crazy schedule which has been difficult for his body to adjust to. I honestly have no idea how he does it. I need sleep at the same time every night for at least 9 hours... and then maybe a nap! He is also gone quite a bit which took some getting used to, especially while I was battling morning sickness and chasing down two kids. I think we have finally gotten there. I am ready to get back into a better family routine for myself, my kids, my home and my sanity. I am going to start pushing myself to wake up earlier, tackle some routine with cleaning the house, meal planning, studying God's word, as well as being more intentional about my time with my children. I'm really looking forward to this and was so excited that I decided to begin blogging again. Instead of going to bed at a decent time I decided to sit here and type! Goodness.

Tomorrow is a new day and looking forward to starting it off right! :]

Less than 4 weeks to go!

Here I am 36 wks and 3 days pregnant.

I have days where I feel ready to have this baby...

and days where I am totally content with waiting it out until December 30th.

I am ready because: we have been praying for this child for quite some time. I cannot wait to see how much my son looks like my husband. I can't wait to see my husband hold our child, or to see my son kiss his brother on the cheek. I can't wait to hold Gage and tell him how loved he is. I want to swaddle him and cuddle and hear him cry in the middle of the night and tell him I'm here, everything is going to be ok. We have everything we need to welcome him home: the clothes and blankets are all washed, the bassinet is next to my bed and ready for him, the car seat is strapped in our car... the diaper bag and hospital bag will be packed soon (I promise!).

I am totally okay with waiting because: I haven't baked any christmas cookies yet (that is seriously my top concern), I don't feel mentally prepared for labor, insurance still hasn't fully kicked in (thanks state of NM for sucking at everything!), my husband is searching for a job. I haven't packed our hospital bag or the diaper bag, I think it mainly comes down to I haven't baked christmas cookies yet lol.

I'm nervous for what the future holds... 2 boys (bring on the ruckus!), routines/schedules, breastfeeding: hoping I can produce it for a longer period of time, when in the world will I nap?

I'm so blessed to have this beautiful little family.

We all can't wait to meet Gage. Sweetheart, come when you are ready.

Friday Favorite Five

I'm just loving being pregnant. I loved being pregnant with my first son and I am loving it now. So, I thought I'd jot down my five favorite things about being pregnant (in no particular order).

1. Growing Belly - This time around I have taken (or tried to) weekly pictures of my belly as it grows. It is so amazing how time flies and sometimes the amount of growth you can see in a short period of time. I love the way the belly looks and feels. It's just great.
2. The kicks - The pushes and kicks never get old for me. Never irritate me, even tho he kicks right before I go to sleep, a few times in the middle of the night, and at 7:00 am every morning. It is a reminder that he is growing and happy :]
3. My hair - I love what pregnancy does to my hair while I'm pregnant. It feels strong, it grows like crazy, it looks healthy. After pregnancy is a whole other story.
4. Nesting - I love cleaning and organizing... especially for my kids! So with baby on the way and nesting in full gear, I'm pumped!
5. My husband - my first pregnancy I basically went thru by myself and it was an extremely emotional time for me. I love feeling loved and being told that I am beautiful and my belly is beautiful. I love hearing my husband talk to the baby and kiss my belly. I didn't experiance anything like that before so this has been wonderful. I love my husband and I am so thankful that he puts up with me and my crazy hormones.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Letter for my boys

Dear Iden,

I want you to know how proud I am of you. There has been so much change and transition going on around you and you have done so well dealing with it all. You work so hard to please your mommy and daddy and to meet our expectations. I know somedays that it is hard on you, but know that you are loved and we are so proud to call you ours.

This week we have seen you around several babies and I am looking forward to seeing you become an amazing big brother. You have such a kind and gentle heart, you will be such a great leader for your baby brother. I love how excited you are for the baby to get here, I love seeing/hearing you talk to the baby and tell him what you are doing, and I especially love feeling your tiny hands on my belly so you can see if the baby is "bumping". I love you so much and always will.

Love,

Your Mama

Dear Gage,

As I'm writing this letter, you are pushing and kicking like crazy. You are growing so strong and it feels me up with so much joy. Your daddy and I have been praying for you far before your heart started beating, we are very excited to hold you and meet you. The last week it has been really setting in for me that you will be here soon... I want you to know that we are praying for you every day. We pray that you will be born a healthy and strong baby boy. We pray that we will be great parents for you and that God will lead us so that we can lead you. We pray that you will grow to be a man of character and integrity. We love you so much already, son. God has great plans for you. I love you so much and always will.

Love,

Your Mama

Cravings

During this pregnancy I really haven't had much cravings at all... I didn't have them much with my first son either. It's a good thing or else I'd probably be at the Dairy Queen across the street from my work EVERY DAY!!

The 'problem' that I do have however is that when I HEAR someone talking about anything that even slightly gets me licking my lips... well, I can't stop thinking about it.

Last night and this morning it hit me HARD and I couldn't shake it...

Pumpkin Spice Latte

For the past few days it seems that everywhere I go, or whatever I am reading someone is speaking about the delicious goodness of the Pumpkin Spice Latte. I needed one. desperately.

My husband and I went and got one today. It was marvelous. Definitely lifted my spirits from a hard week!

Thank you Starbucks!