Dear Gage,

Oh sweet boy. You are my little wild man. You are my adventurer. Fearless. Looking to always get off the couch in the hardest, most dangerous way possible. I love that God made you this way. You truly are one of a kind and all boy. The other day we went to a party at the park... you, little mister (not even a year and a half yet), were trying to keep up with big brother... who also was trying to keep up with the big boys. It fills my heart with so much joy to see you running through the grass trying to catch big brother... wanting the big boys to toss you the ball. Seeing you laugh and smile while you, little one, are the center of attention. Not too long later, you left the fun with the big boys. You found a spot in the sand to play by yourself. I hope that as you grow older you will always remember to find this time to rest and pray and be alone with God. I hope that despite the attention, the fun, the adventure, the spotlights... you will take a moment to rest and focus on your amazing creator who made you 'all boy'.

Today we had our first big moment of discipline. Breaks my heart thinking back and seeing your tears. Your little brother Knox was in the baby swing. You love your brother so very much. But, you also love this swing. It has become a favorite spot for you to sit with your blankie. You have pretty much claimed it yours.

While mommy and daddy were cleaning, you decided to pick up and move brother out of YOUR swing. Well, maybe you were trying to pick him up to hug him.. yeah, we'll go with that. Regardless, baby Knox ended up on the floor and you ended up in tears. Of course, Knox is fine. We gave him a little snuggle and he was back in the swing. You spent some time in timeout on the couch and were back to playing in no time. You are my little pleaser. You can't stand when we tell you 'no'. You burst into tears and the world comes to an end. Goodness I love you.

Love you to the moon and back!
Mama

The last time

Here I am, 38 weeks pregnant and wanting so desperately to not be pregnant anymore.

I love being pregnant, I really do.

I adore almost every moment of it: The expanding belly, the kicks and pushes, the little hiccups, the cravings, the love from my hubby and sweet boys.

Regardless of all these amazing moments, I want this baby out. I want him out so badly that I have actually been trying to force labor this time around. I have tried eating a super spicy bowl of green chili stew several times, minor contractions then nothing. I've walked quite a bit, minor contractions and horrible lower back pain then nothing. I have tried pumping which I have heard from a few people works... not for me. Tried a few times, minor contractions then nothing. Lastly, Phillip and I tried what got us into this baby mess in the first place ;) and of course minor (but stronger) contractions, then nothing.

I want this baby out for selfish reasons. My body is hurting horribly, I have backpain that I have never felt before and sometimes it makes me want to cry. I am tired all the time. This isn't great when you already have 2 boys and the days are beautiful. They want to play outside and I just want to lay in bed or on the couch. I'm cranky and taking it out on my husband and little men. No fun. I want to lose this baby weight already!

This morning, I woke up frustrated. I didn't want my husband to go to work. I wanted the both of us to be heading to the hospital, ready to go thru this bittersweet experience one last time. Then it hit me... this is the last time. The last time for so many things.

The last time... that we will be a family of 4.

The last time... Gage will be the baby.

The last time... I will be pregnant.

The last time... I will experience labor and snuggling a newborn.

The last time... that I will feel these kicks and pushes.

The last time... that my body will ever have 2 heartbeats inside it at one time.

The last time... my husband will kiss my belly to show love to a sweet child.

The last time... I can set Gage on top of my belly and not on my hip.

The last time... that Iden will snuggle on my belly for a pillow while watching tv.

The last time... that I will be able to sleep thru the night for a while!

The last time... that I will try to make something happen in my timing instead of God's time.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

I am a worrier, I overthink everything, I long to have control of any and all situations, I want things to happen the way that I hope and dream them to. All of my reasons for wanting Knox to be born now point only to me. I am selfish. I need my baby to grow, to develop his organs, to be strong. I need to be thankful for these last moments that God is giving me with Phillip, Iden and Gage. I need to pray for the changes that are to come and how this new baby will affect our family. I just need to stop complaining and be thankful.

Today, friends, I hope you are able to put your stress, worries, anxious thoughts aside and remember that God has great plans for you. Too many times I want things to happen in my planning and timing.. but when I wait on the Lord it comes out so much sweeter and so perfect. To him be the glory.


Becky

My oldest son, Iden, goes to an awesome pre-school. He began going here because he had/has a speech delay. I love the teachers so much. I love the things that he learns. I love the small classroom size. I love the 3-4 hours I get at home of not needing to tell Iden where the bad guys are and that he needs to fight them. A very cool thing about his school is that they have special event nights every month or so. We hadn't gone to many the past few years but I'm glad we went last night! We had a blast!

Iden's teachers won a grant that gave each child in their Phonological program a FREE pair of TOMS! I was really excited about that. The kids even got to pick out what color they wanted. Iden chose Red. So, last night they had a 'ONE FOR ONE' night. They provided dinner: Pizza from Little Ceasars and salad, showed the TOMS documentary, the kids sang some songs, they read stories and did some fun crafts! It was a great way to end our week!

Iden decorated his TOMS with googly eyes, buttons, glue, fabric markers.

Super cool idea... but I'm glad he did this to shoes we didn't pay for LOL

We made a guitar out of rubber bands and a shoe box.

Gage LOVED it!!

Seriously, go do this to entertain your baby!

Oh, by the way I got a haircut. Hi bangs!

Another shot of Iden decorating his shoes :]

Making a sock puppet.

He got upset with us when we tried telling him how to do it.

So it's not your traditional sock puppet.

So proud of his creation!

I love that we are able to soak up memories like this. I want to be more craftsy with the boys at home. Finger painting, creating things... I want them to remember these things about their childhood. I need to make more time for them. I was convicted the other day with the thought that too often during the day when Iden asks to do something with me... play candyland, build legos, watch a movie, play super heros... my response is, "Not now honey, Mama needs to clean the house/Mama is too tired/ you need to clean your mess." Who have I become?! This is not the mama that I wanted to be. Then I think about how I would feel with that response from anyone... from my husband, my kids, a friend, from my God.

I need to make time for these precious moments.

The dishes can wait.

The laundry can be folded and put away later.

The mess on the table can wait.

Their mess can wait.

Facebook can wait.

Email can wait.

Blogging can wait.

Pinterest can wait.

My favorite show can wait.

But my children can't. They need the love. The attention. The joy. The laughter. They need these moments as much as I do.

Excuse me while I go play superheroes.

Right Now...

There are toys covering the living room.
A high chair that needs to be cleaned.
Dishes that need to be taken out of the dishwasher.
Dishes that need to be put in the dishwasher.
Little shoes that need to be put away.

There are hiccups going on inside me.
Two sweet boys sleeping.
An old pup curled by my feet.
Books and blogs to read on my kindle.

Today I laughed with Iden over his silly joke that he remembered:
"Mom, why do chickens sit on their eggs?"
"I don't know Iden, why?"
"Because they don't have chairs!!"
I can still picture him laughing. His eyes get squinty and he tilts his head back.
Gage was sitting in the highchair trying to imitate Iden by making a silly face.
I am so in love with my children.

Today I didn't just carry Gage as we took Iden to class.
I let him walk. He grasped a few of my fingers in his tiny hand.
He held on to me so tight.
And he looked around. Curious as can be.
He watched for big brother.
He watched the little girl putting her stuffed puppy down the slide.
He watched the little boys chasing each other.
He was cautious.
He looked up at me and I smiled down at him.
He smiled back then took off toward the playset.
Iden was there with open arms to guide him and protect him.
I am so in love with my children.


At the end of today I was and am feeling like a failure. I yelled at Iden. My house is not as clean as I want it to be. Dinner did not come out the way I wanted it to. I'm up later than I want to be.

Before I laid Iden down to sleep I said, "Iden, I love you. Even tho I get mad and yell, I love you. There isn't anything that you could ever do that will ever make me stop loving you. Sometimes we have bad days, but we start over in the morning. I love you."
I could tell by looking in his eyes that he heard me. That he believes me. "I love you too mom". Music to my heart. God is so much greater than our bad days, our crummy days, our emotional/hormonal days. God, help me to put this day behind me and start fresh in the morning. Help me to be a better mommy and wife daily.

Starting Fresh...

Hello There! I have been gone from the blogging world for quite a while and finally decided that I would jump back in. There have been quite a bit of changes going on in the Merritt household and I feel like I'm finally able to catch my balance and breath with everything that has gone on. I'm excited to start blogging and updating everyone on our current and future adventures!

Let's start with my boys:
Iden - my handsome boy just turned 5! I can't even believe it. I told him that I would cry when he turns 5 so he then went and told everyone that I would be crying at his party. Come enjoy the party and cupcakes and my emotional mom crying! But yes, I did tear up while we sang Happy Birthday (very much like I did at his first birthday). He is amazing. He is showing that he will be a kind, compassionate boy. He's smart, witty, and funny. Full of energy and always wanting to please everyone. He loves his little brother with all of his heart and it shows in how he sings to him and plays with him. Please stop growing my sweet love!
Gage - our sweet little guy will already be one next month. Again, I can't believe it. He brings me and Phillip so much joy and is a wonderful child! We are truly blessed! Right now he has his two bottom front teeth with two top front teeth slowly coming in. Even through teething he is a champ and an overall happy child. He crawls like he is on a mission and is fast! He is taking more and more steps daily! I think that he tries to show off more when daddy is home. He is over eating baby food and just wants finger foods and to try what we are eating. He is curious and adventurous. He adores his big brother... follows him, watches him, laughs at him, looks for him, smiles for him. It is beyond anything I imagined to see brothers growing up together. Beautiful.

Baby bump?
God has blessed us with another munchkin on the way! We were not planning on more children for AT LEAST 5 years! But, God has other plans. I was surprised when I went to the doctor for other reasons to hear the words, "You're pregnant". Phillip is still getting over the shock! This baby has been completely different from the other two. I have been and continue to be horribly sick with morning sickness. I am absolutely exhausted. Haven't gained any weight thus far. My belly does seem different then it was with the boys. I am leaning more towards girl but trying not to get hopeful. In all honesty we would be happy with either a boy or a girl! If we have another boy then there may be adoption or one more try down the road. If it is a girl then we may just call it quits after her birth. We'll see, we find out December 12th so stay tuned! This sweet baby will be due May 2, 2012. I'm looking forward to having a baby during the spring time instead of fall/winter.

What else?
Phillip got a great new job! Praise God! He is in an electrician apprenticeship program (I'm so proud!). So far he is really enjoying it and learning so much. The hard part is that he has a crazy schedule which has been difficult for his body to adjust to. I honestly have no idea how he does it. I need sleep at the same time every night for at least 9 hours... and then maybe a nap! He is also gone quite a bit which took some getting used to, especially while I was battling morning sickness and chasing down two kids. I think we have finally gotten there. I am ready to get back into a better family routine for myself, my kids, my home and my sanity. I am going to start pushing myself to wake up earlier, tackle some routine with cleaning the house, meal planning, studying God's word, as well as being more intentional about my time with my children. I'm really looking forward to this and was so excited that I decided to begin blogging again. Instead of going to bed at a decent time I decided to sit here and type! Goodness.

Tomorrow is a new day and looking forward to starting it off right! :]

Sleep

Last night Gage slept from 10:30pm - 7:00am. IT WAS AMAZING! I think he sensed that mama needed sleep just cause she's mama and daddy needed sleep after his first week of work. He's doing pretty great at sleeping at night, usually gives us at least 5 hours of straight sleep. Also, today we managed to get both boys down for nap AT THE SAME TIME! It was pretty awesome as well, I didn't know what to do with myself! So I napped too! :]

Having a second child is alot harder than what I expected.  I just thought things would be different... not neccesarily better or worse... just different. But it has definitely been hard. I've wanted to write my son's letters and take more pictures and write his birth story... but things have gotten in the way.
Breastfeeding, baths, story time, legos, cuddling, napping, coffee breaks, water breaks, cookie baking, coloring and having my arms occupied by a beautiful baby have gotten in the way... and I couldn't be happier.
Iden has been amazing. He is so proud to be a big brother. He is understanding and loving and simply proud. He wants to show everyone his baby brother and tell them all about him. It's so precious and beautiful. He loves to hold Gage. In the morning waking up Iden used to be difficult, he's much like his mama and loves sleep. Now I walk in there and ask if he wants to cuddle with his brother... His eyes open immediately and he scoots over to make room and gently holds his brother in his arms. He sings a song to him that he made up about how much he loves him. He gives him "kissing hands". He tells him that he will always protect him. I knew that he would be a great big brother but he has gone far beyond what I expected.
Phillip is so handsome when he holds our son. I never experienced those late night diaper changes and feedings with Iden's dad... it was just me. They were different moments. It was bonding between me and Iden. This time I see bonding between Gage and his father. Priceless. Gage smiles so big when Phillip changes his diaper. For the past 8 weeks Phillip has had so much strength and understanding helping me with the boys and helping me get thru post partum issues. He is so deeply in love with our boys. I couldn't ask for a better husband or father for my children. I fall in love with him more and more every day.
As for Gage, he is already 8 weeks old and I packed away all newborn size clothing. He doesn't look like a newborn anymore. He has already grown so much. He is strong just as I knew he would be. He has a strong grip and he has been holding his head up since he was about a week old. He is alert and has beautiful bright eyes. He loves this little family and we adore him. Last night Gage slept from 10:30pm - 5:30am... it was amazing! I love him so much.

Less than 4 weeks to go!

Here I am 36 wks and 3 days pregnant.

I have days where I feel ready to have this baby...

and days where I am totally content with waiting it out until December 30th.

I am ready because: we have been praying for this child for quite some time. I cannot wait to see how much my son looks like my husband. I can't wait to see my husband hold our child, or to see my son kiss his brother on the cheek. I can't wait to hold Gage and tell him how loved he is. I want to swaddle him and cuddle and hear him cry in the middle of the night and tell him I'm here, everything is going to be ok. We have everything we need to welcome him home: the clothes and blankets are all washed, the bassinet is next to my bed and ready for him, the car seat is strapped in our car... the diaper bag and hospital bag will be packed soon (I promise!).

I am totally okay with waiting because: I haven't baked any christmas cookies yet (that is seriously my top concern), I don't feel mentally prepared for labor, insurance still hasn't fully kicked in (thanks state of NM for sucking at everything!), my husband is searching for a job. I haven't packed our hospital bag or the diaper bag, I think it mainly comes down to I haven't baked christmas cookies yet lol.

I'm nervous for what the future holds... 2 boys (bring on the ruckus!), routines/schedules, breastfeeding: hoping I can produce it for a longer period of time, when in the world will I nap?

I'm so blessed to have this beautiful little family.

We all can't wait to meet Gage. Sweetheart, come when you are ready.

Letter for my boys

Dear Iden,

I want you to know how proud I am of you. There has been so much change and transition going on around you and you have done so well dealing with it all. You work so hard to please your mommy and daddy and to meet our expectations. I know somedays that it is hard on you, but know that you are loved and we are so proud to call you ours.

This week we have seen you around several babies and I am looking forward to seeing you become an amazing big brother. You have such a kind and gentle heart, you will be such a great leader for your baby brother. I love how excited you are for the baby to get here, I love seeing/hearing you talk to the baby and tell him what you are doing, and I especially love feeling your tiny hands on my belly so you can see if the baby is "bumping". I love you so much and always will.

Love,

Your Mama

Dear Gage,

As I'm writing this letter, you are pushing and kicking like crazy. You are growing so strong and it feels me up with so much joy. Your daddy and I have been praying for you far before your heart started beating, we are very excited to hold you and meet you. The last week it has been really setting in for me that you will be here soon... I want you to know that we are praying for you every day. We pray that you will be born a healthy and strong baby boy. We pray that we will be great parents for you and that God will lead us so that we can lead you. We pray that you will grow to be a man of character and integrity. We love you so much already, son. God has great plans for you. I love you so much and always will.

Love,

Your Mama