Dear Gage,

Oh sweet boy. You are my little wild man. You are my adventurer. Fearless. Looking to always get off the couch in the hardest, most dangerous way possible. I love that God made you this way. You truly are one of a kind and all boy. The other day we went to a party at the park... you, little mister (not even a year and a half yet), were trying to keep up with big brother... who also was trying to keep up with the big boys. It fills my heart with so much joy to see you running through the grass trying to catch big brother... wanting the big boys to toss you the ball. Seeing you laugh and smile while you, little one, are the center of attention. Not too long later, you left the fun with the big boys. You found a spot in the sand to play by yourself. I hope that as you grow older you will always remember to find this time to rest and pray and be alone with God. I hope that despite the attention, the fun, the adventure, the spotlights... you will take a moment to rest and focus on your amazing creator who made you 'all boy'.

Today we had our first big moment of discipline. Breaks my heart thinking back and seeing your tears. Your little brother Knox was in the baby swing. You love your brother so very much. But, you also love this swing. It has become a favorite spot for you to sit with your blankie. You have pretty much claimed it yours.

While mommy and daddy were cleaning, you decided to pick up and move brother out of YOUR swing. Well, maybe you were trying to pick him up to hug him.. yeah, we'll go with that. Regardless, baby Knox ended up on the floor and you ended up in tears. Of course, Knox is fine. We gave him a little snuggle and he was back in the swing. You spent some time in timeout on the couch and were back to playing in no time. You are my little pleaser. You can't stand when we tell you 'no'. You burst into tears and the world comes to an end. Goodness I love you.

Love you to the moon and back!
Mama

Dear Knox

Dear Knox,

I've been writing alot of letters to you. The problem is that I never get to pen and paper or to the glow of the computer screen to write them down. These letters are all in my head. They are written throughout the day... when your brothers are loving on you, when you are sleeping, when you are crying, when I am snuggling you, when we lay down to nap, when I change you, when I bathe you, when I nurse you.

The letters are about so many things. Moments that I want to remember. Experiences that I hope you have. Prayers that I pray over you. But they all come down to how much I absolutely love and adore you. You aren't even 2 weeks old yet, but I am so proud to be your mama.

I love your blonde hair and what looks like eyes that will be a beautiful shade of blue. Did you know you got this from your grandpa's? I think that is amazing. I love your hands that already are full of strength. And your tiny feet. I pray that they will be the hands and feet of Jesus and that you will bless many.

I am so excited to watch you grow. To see you build a friendship with your brothers. To see you build a relationship with Jesus. To continue to hold and rock you. To sing to you. I am excited to be your mama. I love you so much sweet boy.

Love,
Your Mama

The last time

Here I am, 38 weeks pregnant and wanting so desperately to not be pregnant anymore.

I love being pregnant, I really do.

I adore almost every moment of it: The expanding belly, the kicks and pushes, the little hiccups, the cravings, the love from my hubby and sweet boys.

Regardless of all these amazing moments, I want this baby out. I want him out so badly that I have actually been trying to force labor this time around. I have tried eating a super spicy bowl of green chili stew several times, minor contractions then nothing. I've walked quite a bit, minor contractions and horrible lower back pain then nothing. I have tried pumping which I have heard from a few people works... not for me. Tried a few times, minor contractions then nothing. Lastly, Phillip and I tried what got us into this baby mess in the first place ;) and of course minor (but stronger) contractions, then nothing.

I want this baby out for selfish reasons. My body is hurting horribly, I have backpain that I have never felt before and sometimes it makes me want to cry. I am tired all the time. This isn't great when you already have 2 boys and the days are beautiful. They want to play outside and I just want to lay in bed or on the couch. I'm cranky and taking it out on my husband and little men. No fun. I want to lose this baby weight already!

This morning, I woke up frustrated. I didn't want my husband to go to work. I wanted the both of us to be heading to the hospital, ready to go thru this bittersweet experience one last time. Then it hit me... this is the last time. The last time for so many things.

The last time... that we will be a family of 4.

The last time... Gage will be the baby.

The last time... I will be pregnant.

The last time... I will experience labor and snuggling a newborn.

The last time... that I will feel these kicks and pushes.

The last time... that my body will ever have 2 heartbeats inside it at one time.

The last time... my husband will kiss my belly to show love to a sweet child.

The last time... I can set Gage on top of my belly and not on my hip.

The last time... that Iden will snuggle on my belly for a pillow while watching tv.

The last time... that I will be able to sleep thru the night for a while!

The last time... that I will try to make something happen in my timing instead of God's time.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

I am a worrier, I overthink everything, I long to have control of any and all situations, I want things to happen the way that I hope and dream them to. All of my reasons for wanting Knox to be born now point only to me. I am selfish. I need my baby to grow, to develop his organs, to be strong. I need to be thankful for these last moments that God is giving me with Phillip, Iden and Gage. I need to pray for the changes that are to come and how this new baby will affect our family. I just need to stop complaining and be thankful.

Today, friends, I hope you are able to put your stress, worries, anxious thoughts aside and remember that God has great plans for you. Too many times I want things to happen in my planning and timing.. but when I wait on the Lord it comes out so much sweeter and so perfect. To him be the glory.


Becky

Baby #3 has a name... it is...

Phillip had a "Pamper Party" on Friday. So much fun! I love seeing my husband spend time and laugh with his friends. He has some pretty awesome friends. They blessed us with tons of diapers and wipes for our new little addition.
Towards the end of the party a few began asking questions about our little ones name... Phillip and I originally wanted to keep it quiet until his arrival. We did not want to hear other peoples views on it, hear how weird it is, how he would be made fun of... blah blah blah. But ultimately I'm not liking calling him "him", "he", or "baby". I want to say his name to our friends and family.
So they began guessing. The first clues were: 4 letters (because we have Iden and Gage we wanted to stick with that) and also that it is unique. The guesses started coming. Then I gave them another... It starts with a 'K'. So they began guessing Kody, Kale, Kyle, and some other very random names. It was fun. So we came to one more hint: the 'K' is silent. Many of them came very close! But one had the lightbulb idea to ask Iden what Baby brother's name will be and he of course blurted it out instantly. Don't trust a 5 year old with a secret! 
So here it is friends, Baby Boy #3 will be named:

Knox Michael Merritt

Becky 

Do you have time to... cuddle?

I had a reality check this morning. Seems to happen consistently in the morning. Maybe it is because I feel my best that early in the morning. I have usually read my bible, prayed with my husband, prayed by myself and I've usually had coffee and breakfast.
This morning I had only gotten in the prayer time with my husband when I had this morning time wake up call.

5:30 am. Early to some, this is normal for us. I should be sitting down to breakfast, coffee and an open bible but my husband is still rushing to grab everything and head out the door. Iden (our 5 year old), loves for daddy to say goodbye before he leaves for work... this morning he heard daddy heading for the door and came out of his room for his hug.

No big deal.

Then Phillip accidently spilled some coffee on the counter ledge and his lunch box while bending over for the morning squeeze.
He reacted and got frustrated.

Iden asked if he could stay out in the living room and sleep on the couch. We both quickly said, "no, it's too early, get back in bed." I can see the hurt as Iden heads back to his room. He wants something more than just sleeping on the couch.

Phillip is out the door, I am heading to Iden's room.

There he is, I can see his sweet face in the glow of his nightlight. He is snuggled up under his covers. Then he sees me and quietly whispers words that open my eyes...

"Mommy, do you have time to cuddle?"

What? Do I have time? Does my child really have to ask me if I have time for that? Does he need to ask for time to hug, kiss, cuddle, sit... really anything from me?

When did I get so busy with the simple things around the house (cleaning, laundry, picking up, making meals, changing diapers) that I have run out of time for my little men? To just be there to love on them when they crave it, to listen, to laugh, to teach, to learn? I am missing so many moments because I CLAIM to be so busy?

I want to be more intentional. I really want to pursue that. I want to hug more, and be frustrated less. I want to see them the way God does. OPEN MY EYES!

I immediately hopped into bed with him and scooped him close to me (difficult with the massive belly). What a moment that was. Flashes from the past almost 6 years started flowing through my mind. He falls asleep and begins to breath heavy in my arms. Soak this in. Remember this moment. Be filled with thanks and joy. This boy is now so big and tall and is constantly growing... I don't want him to grow in a direction away from me.

I want him to know that I am here.
My arms are open and so is my heart.
Mommy shouldn't always be angry and tired.
Mommy loves you so much sweet boy.

Thankful for starting the morning, before coffee and breakfast, with my sweet and compassionate son. That this morning he still wants to snuggle with his mama... one day he won't and my heart will break.

Go cuddle your sweet munchkins while you can.
Show them you love them.
Be thankful for those moments.
Don't let them slip by as routine.


Becky

Begin.

I have a journal.
There is nothing written in it.
I've had it for a few weeks.

The purpose of this journal was for me to intentionally seek out things to be thankful for in our everyday crazy home. I got it on clearance at Target but it has some of my favorite colors and is an adorable pattern. Makes me happy :]
So why is it empty?
Because I'm looking for the right moment. I'm waiting for the right day.
Have you ever done this? I've done it alot.
I'll start working out on the first of the month.
I'll start reading my bible on Sunday.
I'll start eating right at the new year.
I'll have a better attitude in the morning.
I'll drink more water tomorrow.
I'll stop eating so many Girl Scout Cookies after this box.

We want the fresh start at the beginning. At least I do. So at first I decided to wait until a Sunday because that was the start of the week. Then, I wanted to follow the Joy Dare exactly... but I couldn't find things on that day that matched right... so I waited until the next day. Then, I wanted for my first note of thankfulness to be something written beautifully and something amazing. It wasn't happening that day. Excuses. Set backs. Expectations. I am missing everything around me.

It hit me this morning as I was laying clothes out on my bed to hang up... I'm passing by so many moments of gratitude because I'm wanting some poetic, beautiful moment to begin. Why?
I don't need to start fresh at the beginning of the day/week/month/year.
I don't need to begin with the most beautiful moment to give thanks.

Begin where you are. Life is messy. I am a mess. God called me as I am.
I don't want my expectations to lose sight of the things that I am thankful for. The things that I could be passing by seeing them as mess, as routine, as small. So this morning I looked around and found so many little things that made me smile, filled me with joy, made me laugh... that I am so thankful to God for opening my eyes to.

~ The mess of DVD's that Gage proudly pulled out of the basket.
~ Iden's super hero's on the floor, I can hear his imagination and play.
~ Dishes in the sink, thankful for the food that God provided to make them that way.
~ Little socks laying on the floor in my room.
~ The chairs that my children sit in at the table to hold hands and pray over meals.
~ Sweet baby, stretching out my skin and leaving marks for me to remember these months.
~ Kisses from my husband.
~ The sun shining through the windows.

God, open my eyes to see. To see the small and the great moments. The beautiful and the messy. Help me to soak it all in, to be filled with gratitude.

The day is starting. My journal is no longer empty and I am ready to seek God's blessings.



Becky

Praying!

I'm up later than usual tonight. The day was filled with craziness. But family is in town and that has been great. I got to spend some sweet, long overdue time with my teenage cousin. I'm so proud of her and all that she has accomplished. She is one smart cookie! It was awesome seeing her play with Iden & Gage, they adore her now!

This past Thursday night Iden was complaining of his belly hurting. Honestly, Phillip and I didn't think twice about it because this little boy "cries wolf" constantly. So we ignored it, put him to bed and we got into bed. Less than 2 hours later Iden threw up all over himself and his bed. Poor guy. When this guy gets sick it is mainly respiratory issues, never stomach. He hasn't thrown up since we first moved into this house (almost 3 years ago) and that was because he ate a ball of the cookie dough for peanut butter cookies that was sitting on the counter waiting to go in the oven.
I was worried. His baptism was coming up and I was worried we would have to cancel. I had this stomach bug almost 2 weeks ago and it lasted a few days for me. But, my little guy is resilient. He was fine the next morning! Praise God!
Now we have another issue. Today around 6, Phillip told me that he was starting to feel nauseous. He has steadily been feeling worse throughout the night. He even turned down chicken noodle soup! This man of mine never says no to a meal! So, now I am praying like crazy that this sickness leaves my husbands body so he can baptize our sweet boy tomorrow. Phillip is determined to baptize Iden, we will not let the devil get in the way of Iden wanting to serve God!
Please pray with me for Phillip to feel better and for a wonderful day of celebrating tomorrow! I can't wait to post pictures and write about it, I am one proud and joyful mama!

Becky